4/30/23-5/6/23

Ink Master Season 1

I don’t enjoy the fact that deep down in my core I love reality television. Ten tattoo artists compete for $100,000, the cover of something called Inked magazine, and the extremely dubious title of “Ink Master.” This is bestowed by two well-respected tattoo artists (one of which who was fired for extreme blackface (look up the pictures, it’s even more egregious than most of these instances are)) and Dave Navarro, who’s main qualification is that he has a lot of tattoos. No, seriously. A lot of people are invested in something that seems somewhat silly to me and they fight about it constantly. It’s what makes it so fun! That and the truly awful tattoos that are given out.

Paul W.S. Anderson’s Resident Evil film series

After playing 2 (two) Resident Evil game(s), I decided to jump headlong into the Resident Evil film franchise starring Milla Jovovich. I’d heard mixed things over the years. From some people, they are legendarily bad movies, and for others they range from less-than-average to actually good. I had to see for myself.

I was shocked that none of these movies are as bad as they’re made out to be. Paul W.S. Anderson has always been a competent director, so this shouldn’t surprise me. Even the films he didn’t direct aren’t all that bad. I would even say Extinction has pretty high notes.

Are these all vehicles for Anderson’s wife? Yes, of course. I’m not sure who needs to hear this, but if you’re a director and you’re not putting your friends and loved ones in your movies, I can’t help but be highly suspect of you as a person.

As a fun aside, I think it’s funny that during these movies they insist on making the characters dress in their video game outfits. Sometimes it’s incidental, but other times it’s just so strange that these people would wear any of this that it comes off as ridiculous.

Resident Evil

My brother once said something to the effect of “every Resident Evil game starts off promising, but then you get to the underground lab and it all falls apart.” This movie starts in the underground lab.

That being said, it isn’t bad. It’s a totally average, serviceable horror movie that plays with elements from the games without being overly faithful to them. The cast is made up entirely of original characters, which I think is a good thing. If I was being cynical, I would say it was because Capcom didn’t want to put their beloved franchise characters into a movie that might bomb at the box office. Just cause I can’t think of anything to counteract that statement, doesn’t mean it’s true.

This movie is tight, easy to follow, and establishes some things that become franchise staples to, specifically, film series. The Laser Grid keeps showing up in every movie as do the lickers. The lickers are an odd choice, but they’re distinct enough to easily be recognized when they show up and not married enough to the Resident Evil game series to feel like fanservice.

The weakest aspects are the narrative ones. Milla Jovovich doesn’t seem like much of a character. Granted, she has amnesia in this movie, but it doesn’t make up for her flat performance. She gets better later on. Everything seems pretty much incidental, but they do set up the next movie somewhat decently.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

This is universally acknowledged as a low point in the series, but contrary to what you might think, I agree with that assessment. Again, I wouldn’t say this is horrible. Hell, for a throwaway horror action movie, it’s actually decent. It isn’t good, but if it was on the SyFy network, I wouldn’t turn it off.

Honestly, I think the biggest mistake that this makes is sticking too closely to the video games. While the first one was all original characters with an original storyline and a location that, while definitely inspired by the Nest in Resident Evil 2 and 3, is still technically an original location. Apocalypse, in contrast, is much closer to a 1:1 adaptation of Resident Evil 3: Nemesis, with Alice, the main character of the entire series, seemingly taking a backseat, only showing up partway through to do a bunch of superhuman feats in ridiculous action setpieces. Instead, we get Jill Valentine, in her video-game appropriate outfit (why does she still have the sweater around her waist?) escaping with a street-level hustler, a reporter, and Carlos.

But Nemesis does appear, being a returning character from the previous movie and having a storyline that sucks. He is eventually defeated by the power of… comradery? I was going to say love, but that didn’t seem right. Friendship also didn’t seem right. For god’s sake these two characters new each other for, like, 6 hours? I’m being generous and saying it isn’t just the 2 hrs of the first film.

It’s not without it’s charms, but you would be forgiven for skipping this one.

Resident Evil: Extinction

This is where we start to get back on track, starting with a truly great opening sequence that recalls the previous two movies in a striking and clever way. Honestly, most of these movies have pretty great opening sequences regardless of what happens in the rest of the movie.

Of course, this is where we also get a bit more ridiculous. Somehow the world became a desert? Due to a zombie virus? This is somehow the most unbelievable element of a movie that also has Milla Jovovich gaining psychokinetic powers, and the Umbrella Corporation, not only still existing, but actively cloning our main character and killing the clones in elaborate testing environments. At this point, it’s clear that anything is on the table and that the T-Virus can be used an excuse for basically anything happening in this series.

This really does free up the series from the restraints of the video game for the most part. This film brings in Claire Redfield as our deuteragonist, leading a convoy across the country with characters that survived the previous movie (aside from Jill Valentine) and some new characters like a teenage girl named “K-Mart.” I have to talk about K-Mart. Look, it’s not that K-Mart is a bad character, it’s just funny that they named a character that and they had to think up a plausible reason as to why that may be (she always hated her previous name?). It’s never not going to be funny to me.

One of the thing that stands out about all of these movies is that they all feature strong, competent, female characters, often leaders of their groups. There’s no doubt that Ali Larter’s Claire Redfield is a natural leader and is able to rally people around her, and that’s not even mentioning the perennial protagonist Alice, who is not only brave and fearless, but also Superman.

The action is solid, the plot is alright, and it also introduces Albert Wesker (to be recast in the next movie) and gets more into the weird lore of it all.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

This movie starts with multiple Milla Jovovichs launching an attack on an underground Umbrella facility in Tokyo in a sequence that ends with what is, almost literally, the explosion from Akira destroying Tokyo. If that isn’t enticing to you, I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Alice is back, but without her superpowers because… reasons. I can explain it, but I’d rather not.

This movie also introduces Chris Redfield, who is played by the guy from Prison Break. Not only is the character found in a prison, but in a prison within the prison, because Paul W.S. Anderson has a very keen sense of humor. How else would you know he was in Prison Break?! Again, there’s a lot of solid action moments, a fight in the prison showers with water falling around Ali Larter as she battles a gigantic zombie with a battleaxe (don’t ask, I can’t explain that one) is one of the best looking actions sequences in this whole franchise.

Resident Evil: Retribution

What a strange film.

Out of all of these movies, this feels most like a video game. Milla Jovovich and Ada Wong (hilariously in a red evening dress and heels) make their way through different biomes in an underground facility including The Shibuya Scramble, The Red Square, and the suburbs of Raccoon City. This is all in a facility to meet up with recurring characters (though not K-Mart! What the hell!) and Leon S. Kennedy, who I personally think is not enough of a pretty boy, but he is very stupid, so I guess that makes up for it. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the world outside of the underground lab doesn’t exit. It doesn’t have to when you have sentient zombies in soviet tanks.

This is also a movie where Paul W.S. Anderson realized that he had established that in the previous films Umbrella had access to cloning technology and he uses that to bring back the entire cast from the first movie who all died horribly. It is nice seeing Michelle Rodriguez again, even though there is literally no fanfare for these characters’ return. Alice seemed to forge a bond with Michelle Rodriguez’s character in the first movie, so it’s weird that she doesn’t show any shock or surprise that she’s back. I guess she would be used to seeing dead people show up around her? I don’t know.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

There’s a dragon? How? Was that a person at one point?

This movie much more frantic than the films before it, and the deaths of our named characters seem a lot more cruel than before. A lot of the loose threads (surrounding only our main character) are tied up, and the evil head of the Umbrella Corporation reveals the plan by making a reference to Noah. You know, Noah? From the bible. He explains his plan is the same as God’s for cleansing the Earth in a board room scene where he points to a bible on a table and says “it’s been done before, to great effect.” What a very dumb thing to say.

Again, this is a perfectly fine movie and puts a cap on a decent run of films. In a world where people give far too much credit to the Avatar movies for being anti-capitalist it’s strange that Paul W.S. Anderson isn’t given the same credit for being far more explicit. Any of these are better than Avatar 2.

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

Not the best movie, but it still has that great staking scene.

The Fifth Element

What the hell?! Why didn’t anyone point out that Bruce Willis has manga in his apartment (courtesy of Viz Communications, LLC.)!?

War Dancer #3: “Tag Team Terror” by Alan Weiss, Jim Shooter, et al.

 

This is my first brush with Defiant Comics, and I’ll tell you now, for someone who worked at Marvel and Valiant, I would expect much higher print quality. Everything about this is bizarre. Our main character is some sort of indigenous American who hunts aliens by vibrating at the right frequency and literally dancing at them.

This issue also has a subplot of professional wrestling that, surprisingly, depicts it more accurately than I’ve seen any other medium do at the time. They’re planning out their match before everything goes to hell with our villains. Our villains, one of which is a black guy with spikes on his head named Spearhead (racist?) and the other a guy who takes so many steroids he explodes. Seriously.

The end of this comic teases a clash with another character I’m supposed to know but couldn’t possibly. . Also, in the exact middle of the comic is a two-page spread that's an editorial by Jim Shooter that dispels the rumors that he's leaving for image and, oh yeah, Jack Kirby just died. It’s worth noting that Defiant only lasted for two years

Warlock 5 #20 by Barry Blair, Jim Somerville, and Eiwin Mark

 

Luckily, a character, very early into the comic, exposits what the whole premise of the comic is. It is odd-looking, with most of the characters looking weird, ugly, and lumpy and the women having visible nipples through their clothing. You can figure out the rest.

The Rovers #2: “Stupid Bloody Tuesday” by S.A. Bennett, Scott Bieser, Jeff Albrect, Debbie Burcham, et al.

Boring! There are allusions to gang violence and a plague, but not much actually happens. The two guys seem like they’ll be recruited into the CIA or some shit? Idk.

Gun Crisis Vol. 1, Part 3: “Conclusion” by Masamoi Kanzaki

No idea what was going on, but it sure seemed somewhat exciting! It also had a conclusion (to the entire series?) where there’s an epilogue is entirely in text.

The Last American No. 1: “Goodnight Poughkeepsie” by Alan Grant, John Wagner, Michael McMahon, and Phil Felix

There’s a great collection of this series that’s worth picking up when you get the chance. It’s one of those gems that I never heard of before a few years ago. It was neat to get the initial issue of the series, and it’s still as dark and strange as it ever was.

Gammarauders No. 3: “Shut Down Vol.3: No Place to Raise a Penguin!” by Peter B. Gillis, Martin King, Dave Cooper, et al.

I had no idea what to expect from this, but I was surprised to find that I kind of loved it. There’s a quasi-anime style throughout the issue, and it’s about a post-apocalyptic world where people fight with giant biomechanoid animals like a penguin, a kangaroo, and other species. It is wild, it is wacky, and for some reason everyone worships Elvis. It’s great. It’s also based on a tabletop board game from the people who originally published Dungeons & Dragons. You just know that it could never be as exciting as a row of giant cybernetic animals shooting lasers out of their armpits. I would love a collection of this, but I’m guess the rights are caught up between Hasbro and Warner Brothers.

Trouble Part One: “The Summer Where Everybody Lost It” by Mark Millar, Terry Dodson, and Rachel Dodson

 

This is a comic series about Aunt May fucking Uncle Ben. I’m not happy about that. It’s also written by Mark Millar who, by this point, we should’ve shot into the sun. I don’t think a teenage girl in the seventies would be writing in her diary with excitement about getting felt up by a drunken boy, but what do I know.? I know more than Mark Millar, that’s for damn sure.

Mars No.1: “Rebirth” by Mark Wheatley and Marc Hempel

I love the art style here, and I’m interested to see where this goes. It’s about a researcher who figures out how to connect their brain to a computer in a way that makes absolutely zero sense, and then goes to Mars, and then goes into cryogenic sleep for 10,000 years. It’s a hell of a set up, but I still don’t have a grasp on where it’s going. I’m interested in finding out more.

Wandering Star #12: “Ghosts in the Attic” by Terri Sue

No idea what was happening, but there was a magical alien who seemed to be a stand-in for gay people.

Chiaroscuro: The Private Lives of Leonardo Da Vinci Book Four: “Dispero” by David Rawson, Pat McGreal, Chas Truog, Rafael Kayanan, et al.

Sucks! It’s about Leo Da Vinci being a boyfucker or something????

Kid Eternity No. 4: “Krumville 50” by Ann Nocenti, Sean Phillips, et al.

 

I don’t have a handle on what this series is. There’s apparently a huge uproar in a small town about race mixing. In the 90s? I’ll give some credit, at one point Kid Eternity solves the problem and then boasts about being a hero before being brought down by someone else who points out he didn’t basically do shit. This is, yet another, one of these series I would need to read more of to make a proper judgment call.

Geobreeders No. 23 by Akihiro Ito

No idea what was happening. A satellite brought down a plane piloted by ghosts? I have no idea.

Waste: L.A.: Descent #4 by Bill O’Neil and John Gaushell

I’ll be honest, if this wasn’t a photo comic, this wouldn’t nearly be as fun. I don’t know how funny it’s supposed to be, but the pictures, especially of the main character, are often hilarious, so I have to assume some of this is tongue in cheek, even when it goes full “my mother was a whore” 90s-noir. I don’t know if that phrase I just wrote makes any sense, but you all have to live with it now.

Angel and the Ape No. 2: “The Apes of Wrath” by Phil Foglio, Keith Wilson, et al.

 

I think I would like to read approximately 200 more issues of this series. It’s a lot of fun, and has a joke about the titular ape’s erect penis. What more could you want?! Seriously though, it’s wacky fun that I don’t feel like I see much from the Big Two these days. I wish this was collected somewhere, but I doubt that’s coming, especially considering what Modern DC is like.

Airboy No. 15: “Carribean Rampage” by Charles Dixon, Stan Woch, Mark A. Nelson, et al.

 

It’s shit!

SOUND

acts of rebellion by Ella Minus

Alpha by Audion

Dreams Are Not Enough by Telefon Tel Aviv

Far from the Maddening Shores by Chicane

Gone World by Steve Moore

1977 by Kölsch

Wider Angle by Hybrid

The Escape by S.O.N.S.

Ghostly Swim 2 by Various Artists

Theory of Colours by Dauwd

Mario Batkovic by Mario Batkovic

Mario Batkovic consistently blows me away with his accordion music. It’s incredible that someone could make that instrument sound like that.